On Rage and Temptation

It is easy to praise God when everything is going well in one's life. The test is to hold on to one's faith when nothing seems to be going right.

My kid attends public school. His fees are £11.5k every year. That doesn't mean I have a lot of money, in fact I don't have any money. I send him there because he suffers badly from anxiety. It is a small school and the teachers there really look after him. He wouldn't cope at a larger establishment.

My (part-time) "day job" doesn't bring in anything close to enough to keep him there. I am trying to make a living via the Internet, sometimes working up to 20 hours each day (yes, that's on top of the day job!). I have set up an honest business, writing for and promoting my customers' businesses online. I send them business and make them money that I am not getting myself. At least somebody is happy.

Everything that can go wrong invariably does, every obstacle that could conceivably be thrown in the way is always to be found lying there before me. If I am down to my last penny the car will break down and need £100 spent on it, or something such.

I am not a lazy man nor a scrounger. I am prepared to work incredibly hard for a modest return if it will keep my son at school. He is doing really, really well - coming top or near to the top of a very competitive class in every subject he takes. He doesn't want to leave. It will destroy him (and me) if he has to.

Last Sunday my Pastor gave a sermon about the Temptation of Christ. Satan offered him the world in exchange for his soul (Christ that is, not my Pastor). In my bitterness I found myself thinking "well, at least he was given the choice"!

This morning, after encountering yet another obstacle not in any way of my making, I find myself raging. Raging against God, raging against Christ. I seriously find myself praying for death (I am very well insured).

And yet my fury has produced more work than I have done for many a day, and it is still only 8.20 in the morning.

But what spurs me on is that, even in my screaming anger, my faith remains strong. When I curse God I find myself ruing my fury, apologising. Even now I know he will help me.

Sometimes it take adversity to reassure us. At least I have my faith, many have none. I wouldn't change that for all the world - even if by some miracle I were ever to be offered the choice!